John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
