i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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