I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Actions speak louder than pants.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
