it was like a zeppelin in a condom
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
