just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
