so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
