i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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