tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
