So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
