I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
