I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
