um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
