You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
