Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
