Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
