I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
