I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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