I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
