So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
