Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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