Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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