if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Drunk walkin through police station. America
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
