I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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