The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Randomize