Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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