Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
