take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
We were destined to go to rehab together
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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