i was born a porn star she said
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
