He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just gargled with NyQuil
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
