I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
