Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
