there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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