I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Randomize