i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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