I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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