I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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