All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
