but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize