i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
