Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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