It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Ladies don't puke and tell
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize