You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
