At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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