Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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