I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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