Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
this is an emotional support booty call
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
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