There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
