I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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