a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
