I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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