i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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