So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
