This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
