based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Every concussion has its silver lining
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
