I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize