Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
